Part 3 of 3 = stating your demands

1.Make sure you know what you want out of a situation. Before you go into a conversation where you try to stand up for what you believe, make sure you know exactly what you want. When you talk to your boss, do you want a raise, or simply to be given more interesting work? When you talk to your boyfriend, do you want him to pay more attention to you in general or is it just that you want him to act like you exist when he's watching sports? The more certain you are about what you want, the more likely you are to get it.

• There's no point in having a conversation where you express general disagreement and unhappiness. What are you trying to achieve?

2.Stick to your game plan. Remember your goals and stick to them. Do not veer off course just because the person is not listening to you, belittling you, or trying to torpedo the conversation by acting visibly upset and tricking you into comforting him or her. Keep telling yourself that you went back to the store to get a refund; that you talked to your neighbor to get her to stop playing her music so loudly; that you talked to your boss to stop working with a freeloader who abuses your work ethic.^[4]

• Be a broken record if you have to. Repeat what you want until the person stops trying to derail you and realizes that you're serious.

3.Break patterns. This is another big step to being more assertive. Pick a pattern you're unhappy with and work hard to change it. It could be something small, like your friend always picking the dinner spot or movie you'll watch when you hang out; vow to be the one who decides on a place, next time. It could be a coworker who asks you to grab her lunch when you pick yours up but who always forgets to pay you back; next time, ask for cash up front or don't do her the favor.^[5]

• Breaking the small patterns where you feel like you're being taken advantage of can help you break the bigger patterns, such as the ways that the important people in your life may take advantage of you.

4.Say what's on your mind. Don't be silent if you have something to say. Share your feelings freely: it's your right. Remember, there's nothing wrong in having an opinion. Just make sure you pick the right moment to state your needs. If you really have something important to say, don't say ten other things before you make the big reveal. Make it clear that what you have to say is important and should be noticed.

• Practice in low-stakes situations. Do all your friends love that new TV show everyone’s talking about? Don’t be afraid to admit that you weren’t all that impressed. Has someone misinterpreted what you said? Don’t nod and play along; explain what you really meant, even if the miscommunication was harmless.

5.Learn to say no. If you do not feel right doing something, then don't do it! It's okay to reject someone. (Have you ever been rejected? Did you live?) Remember, for yourself, the most important person is you! If you don't respect your own desires, how can you expect others to?

• You may think that being a people-pleaser will put you on people’s good side, but unfortunately, an overabundance of generosity usually has the opposite effect on people.
• People only value the things they invest time/energy/money into, so if you’re the one doing all the giving, your esteem for that person will skyrocket… but theirs for you will plummet. Take a stand. People may resist at first – or even be shocked by your transformation – but in the end, they will respect you for it.

6.Use "I" statements. Using "I" statements can really help you express what you want without making the other person feel bombarded or defensive. Instead of saying, "You've been making me feel really frustrated lately," say "I've been feeling frustrated lately because you haven't been pulling your weight around the house." Though you're essentially saying the same thing, you make it more about your feelings and your needs instead of making the other person feel like he or she has done something horribly wrong.^[6]

• This works great in the workplace too. Tell your boss, "I'd really appreciate it if you'd give me three days notice before asking me to work on the weekends," instead of "You're making really unreasonable demands."

7.Be more assertive in the workplace. If you want to move up in your career, then you have to know what you want and what you deserve. If you've been working at your company for at least six months or a year, getting paid way less than people in similar positions at other companies, take on additional responsibilities without getting paid any more, or just generally feel like you're being short changed (with good reason, of course), then it's time to have a conversation with your boss.^[7]

• If you don't speak up for yourself, then your boss and coworkers will think that you're just a nice person, or like they can keep on taking advantage of you.
• Make sure you come up with your case first. Before you talk to your boss, come up with at least three things you've done to improve the company, ways that you've gone above and beyond your job description, and how you can help the company grow in the future.

8.Be assertive without being aggressive. There is a line between assertiveness and aggression and you should know when you've crossed it. Some people who are not comfortable with asserting themselves sometimes become aggressive when they finally do because they don't know how to ask for what they want in a calm and collective manner. Don't let this to be you.

• Speak calmly instead of yelling; keep your hands at your sides instead of waving them; be polite instead of name-calling or aggravating a person just because it releases some tension.
• If the airline counter agent tells you that you must pay extra for your heavy bag, don't get angry at the agent! Your beef is with the airline's policy (and possibly your own failure to read the fine print). Instead, treat the agent like an ally. If the policy was made available to you, apologize and ask for an exception. If you were never informed of the policy, say so, and ask for an exception.
• Many people who want to be assertive overcompensate by being aggressive. Being assertive means clearly and coolly communicating what you want, which is the definition of being in control. Being aggressive, on the other hand, means acting pushy and overreacting to small things, which is the opposite of being in control.
• The whole point of being assertive is to get what you want. Aggressiveness, on the other hand, will throw a monkey wrench into your plans, as it puts the people around you into foul, unhelpful moods.

9.Learn to speak up in public. This is the hardest thing of all for some people. You may be comfortable telling your wife or best friend exactly what you want, but when it comes to the check out girl who short changed you or the person trying to get you to sign a petition who won't stop talking to you though you're backing away, you may not have the guts to explain that no means no.

• Being able to tell the waiter your food is cold or to tell a woman that she cut in front of you at the supermarket may be unpleasant, but it will keep you from being mistreated.

10.Kindly ask someone to stop doing something annoying. This is a hard one for most people, and a great step to help you be more assertive. You don't have to get in a big fight over this one; is your coworker always talking too loudly on the phone? Is the guy sitting in the cafe next to you slowly inching over into your personal space? Does your best friend text you fifty times a day even though she knows you're in an important meeting? The sooner you say something politely, the better you'll feel.

• Nicely asking someone to stop doing something annoying is pretty low stakes and can prepare you to have the bigger conversations.
• Just say something like, "Excuse me, but would you mind speaking a little quieter on the phone? I'm finding it a little hard to concentrate." Thank the person when he or she obliges.

11.Agree to disagree. When you're having a conversation, remember that you don't have to walk away agreeing with the person. Sure, parting on good terms is important, but that doesn't mean you have to give in to someone's demands or say, "I guess you're right..." or "Maybe I need to rethink this..." even though you've done your research and know perfectly well that you're right. It's one thing to come to compromise or learn to see another person's perspective, and another to walk away with your tail between your legs even though you know you're right.^[8]

• You can still tell the person that you can appreciate his point of view, but stay firm in your beliefs.
• If you want people to respect you, then you have to work on not giving in, even if you feel "better" about agreeing with someone.